The only think I can do is to be honest..

I see the sun rise above the morning silence thru the train window and I'm trying to understand the last weeks rollercoster of feelings. The none-sleeping part, the how I met you-thing, Stockholm Pride-orgie of people and stuff to do.The beauty in your eyes and the way I feel when you smile. My mental breakdown and how you realize that your roomies means more to you than you knew. Recent made friends that understand you deep down and those that doesn't deserve your attention, at all.

Recent discoveries of your own. Thing's I didn't knew about myself. Thing's I thought I was done with. Thing's I thought never change.Thing's that seven years ago was not thinkable. Thing's that confuse me like, thing's that make' s me feel like I don't know who I am and still, I'm very sure of who I am. The new found confident but still feeling shy.. The success and the failure of stand up. Anxiety whether coming out or not. And the anxiety when I do.

The love I feel for the small things in life. The blue sky above, the sunlight on my skin, the Pride Parade that gives hope for a better future, the purr from my cat when he is all cuddling up beside me.The fact that I have friends. Getting a random hug from someone I know. Love that I can have pink nails even if Pride is over and that I can be who I am because all of you that didn't settle for anything. And that I can have a mental breakdown and no one thinks I'm weak. (I just have to understand that myself)

The music in my ears are telling me that the show must go on. And that is how life goes on. Never ending story. Some days I even feel good about my self, without someone telling me. You say I am, I say progress. It took me 32 years to get where I am at the moment.

The sun is till rising and makes the Swedish countryside look even more beautiful, and I can do nothing than feeling lucky and smile. I'm amazed to experience a life with such amazing friends.

By the water

The sun was setting down on the other side of the water. The sky went from blue to orange . I saw when it happen. The wind gently touched my sun warm skin. I gazed over the water and all my pain was suddenly gone. In some way I always have felt a connection with oceans and lakes. It always makes me feel like there is nothing that can go wrong. In some way I am just like the water, the water that flows just in front of me. It looks warm, soft and at ease. Under the surface it's colder, movement's you don't see coming and the only light you'll find is the few shine's from the sun that really doesn't reach down to you.

In general people really like you for what you are. They always notice your warm soft and gentle touch. That you keep them alive and floating, and you make them feel awesome when they are feeling blue. At the same time you scare them, they don't know what to expect, don't know what's under the surface. Just because you don't let them. Sometimes you are too much to handle for just one person and also the opposite, you are too small to deal with everything.

But really, I do miss the ocean and I think I really need some time by the water. All by myself.. I need to do something for myself. I need a boat, or just walk by the shore, barefoot. Feel the water wash my sins away. No, I really don't have any sins to wash away. I'm a nice guy.. or not.

No. Time to right something funny.

Yes, I'm bitter because you don't notice me

So I'm guessing that I'm in love.  And that freaks me out. I don't fall in love. Especially not in people I haven't know for more than a couple of weeks.. Maybe I'm not in love..

..but this person makes my heart skip a beat when they smile... The glitter in their eyes makes my world spin a little faster.. The sound of the joyful laughter is more beautiful than any song I've ever heard. When our eyes meet its like no one else exist..

Dream or not to dream....

So, it's just a couple of days until this: Wotever Stockholm: Twist and Swirl!
and I'm probably not as prepared as I should be, but then, I'm not as nervous as I should be either. I do know most of the script by heart, but it's a good thing to know it a little bit better. I have written it as it's supposed to be said. I'm no good when it comes to improvising..

So, what I really wanted to tell you about is, that I've been having this really weird dreams.. Usually I don't dream about sex. I dream about romantic stuff. Like I want to give to the moon, you are everything I ever wanted and prince charming of course.. But the last few times it has been, well the normal romantic dreams but you add like tons of sex. Perfect breath taking sex. Everything I ever wanted, and more. And I have to meet the guy, I've been dreaming about, later this week. And I don't know how to handle it. He is cute, good looking, sexy, interesting, smart and fabulous... But I don't know how I will react when I see him IRL after these dreams.. All I want to do, well, all I want him to do is push me up against the wall and bite me. But that would probably not be a good idea since we won't be the only one in that room.

I won't be able to pretend that I don't feel anything, my dreams have been way to realistic for that.
And to tell him is out of the question.. I am way to shy for that...

Well, maybe I'll tell you how it went.. or not,,,

You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one,

As of always, when I don't have to get up before 4am I tend to stay awake way too late. My head is full of stuff I need to do and my heart is full of all different feelings. Don't really know where to put it all. Can't really concentrate on writing, cause someone has walked right into my brain. I'm really like J.D from Scrubs at the moment. In the middle of something I turn my head slightly up to my right and dream away. Not that my daydreaming is anything close to J.D's. But still, disturbing.

Trying to focus on my writing and I get this perfect sentence, with a perfect ending or a perfect punchline, and seconds later, it's all gone, and it's not coming back..Not that I'm loosing all texts or words. But the perfectness. And here's the punchline. I'm going for perfect. Not just being good. I have to make this perfect.

And my mind drift away again. Writing down something that has nothing, what so ever, to do with what I'm actually writing. Basically, I'm writing four different things at the same time. And neither one of them are perfect.

And all the things that can distract me. Is in fact, distracting me. My cat snoring. The tingling in my foot cause it fell asleep, oh a notification on Facebook, how do I write this in correct English, how do I spell this word, why do I even do this in English, it would be easier in Swedish. The sound from my keyboard when I press the keys. And you!. It's all because of you. There will be no notifications from you. Not on Facebook not even in real life. Not even.. well, never.

And the fact that I'm not sleeping much. I'm tired as hell, but I can't sleep. The only time I'm able too sleep is when I get home after 4am. After 8 hours of work and 5 hours of completely sweaty dancing. But yet of course, then I still don't get loads of sleep, cause there is always something else that I have to wake up too.

Please, don't get me wrong. I love my life. I really do. I love everything I do, otherwise I wouldn't do it. But, there is always a but, if I'm not capable of writing, everything else follows behind.

And I will always have another story that need to be written. And to be read.

You drive me crazy

And yet again, it's in the middle of the night. I'm still awake even if I just slept 1½ hours last night, and been awake since 3.30am. Yesterday was a day of joy. Finally. And a day of inspiration. You know those people that just makes you feel good. They just smile at you and the whole world turns into a giant discoball. Thats what you do to me.

Regardless, I came home really late yesterday and despite that I managed to write a stand up-script. And Im pretty satisfied with it..  Believe it or not.. I can't believe it so why should you? I guess I shouldn't read it too much,  cause it will end with me being stupid and erasing it all..  Won't do it thou. Cause I did promise. I did promise that I would book it..  I guess I have to fake it til I make it..


If you didn't knew it already, I'm a dreamer.. And the dreamer in me has a bigger ego than I. So, my head fights with itself.  It goes something like this.

Dreamer: Oh I'm gonna blow them away
Me: Really? with this shit?
Dreamer: Yes, yes, yes. This is awesome. They're gonna throw themselves at your feet.
Me: Ha! Only because they can't take it. They are passing out of boredom..
Dreamer: Aah. The world will, NO, it shall obey you.
Me: Fuck off

And it goes on, and on, and on, and on!

So,I have to face the fact. If I don't do this soon - I will go crazy!


Oh I'm loving it!

Trying not to fall in love.

Here's the deal. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna book it and I'm gonna make it. I just have to save up some guts and then: just do it.


Don't know what I'm taking about? Me neither.


I'm just kidding. But that's what this is about. I'm going to do stand up. You know, like a comedian.
Here's the deal. I'm not funny. Well, that's what's going on in my mind. Been trying to write down something funny for about a week now, but nothing. It's not even worth a smile.

Here I am, in the middle of the night, trying to figure out if I'm funny. No. I'm trying to figure out what kind om comedian I want to be. And I don't know. What I do know is, that everything I say will be true. I don't want to offend anyone. It will be in English every time. And I want to believe in it myself and in myself.

I did a stand up earlier this spring, while the snow kept falling and we all thought that winter never would leave. Now, when spring turned into summer in less than an hour and we all enjoys the sun, it feels like years ago. To encourage myself I read my drafted script over and over aging while I let my last drops of soda trickle down my throat..

"Your second thought is a bad joke. A really bad one: What do frogs drink? - Redbull. Redbull. [...] And they are not laughing"

It is funny. My first stand up-script is funny. Re-use. Re-do. Just do it. Do it.



You might just wonder why I suddenly started to write in English, since I haven't done that before? One of the reasons is actually because of my stand up. I'm doing my stand up in English, and to write in English, I have to think in English. Easiest way. Start writing in English. Piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, "There was two cupcakes in an oven. One of them says: Oh my good, it's so hot in here".. and the end of that joke..

Come see me when I'm doing stand up the next time!

If you don't know, I'm in love with you.

I have something to tell you. Just like the Lithuania guy during Eurovision Song Contest last weekend. 

You will never know..

But I will write you a story. A story about one adorable person. Amazing, beautiful and breathtaking. I want you to see the beauty she gives.

When she smiles, when she thinks no one is looking, it's like a touch from an angels wing. Like a glimpse of a paradise that only she can promise you. When her eyes catches yours, if only for a second, your heart stops beating and you hold your breath, just to preserve the moment forever.

I'm standing there, watching you. Too shy to catch your eye and dazzle you with my smile. Too shy to even try to show you how I feel. Too shy to tell you.

I'm standing here. Time goes by. Life goes by. Love goes by. You're turning away. I'm waiting. You're laughing. I follow your movement in the corner of my eye.

I'm here. Watching you walk away. Like a queen. Gracefully. Your head is held high. Your steps are firm. You know who you are and no one can tell you differently.

I'm standing there, watching you. She catches my eye and I'm looking away.


But I have to tell you something.
If you don't know, I'm in love with you.

Att krossa sitt eget hjärta

Spellistor behövs inte. Du tar en låt och sen lyssnar du bara på den. Det spelar ingen roll att tårarna rinner ner för dina kinder i takt med musiken. Det spelar ingen roll att hjärtat värker eller du knappt kan andas.

Jag tänkte gå på djupet. Jag tänkte att ni skulle få se lite ur den djupaste delen av mitt hjärta. Ni vet, dit ingen egentligen får komma. Väldigt få, knappt någon har fått känna. Kanske har ingen egentligen riktigt fått vara där. Ofta får jag frågan om jag dejtar någon eller hur det går med kärleken? Mitt svar är mer eller mindre alltid: äsch, jag har inte tid. Egentligen så har vi nog alla tid om en vill. Jag vill bara inte. Jag vill inte och jag orkar inte. Jag vågar inte.

Tårarna rullar ner för min kind. Lika salta som bittra. Jag andas. Djupa andetag. Bygger ett lugn medan musiiken fyller min kropp. Medan jag blundar, sköljer det över mig.

Jag tänkte gå på djupet. Att ni skulle få känna en annan del av mig. Rädslan kom krypande och allt är åter stängt. Jag krossar delar av mitt hjärta varje gång jag ger av mig själv.

En kort sekund lät jag dig titta in. En kort sekund så berättade jag sanningen. Ett kort ögonblick lät jag mig själv tro. Ett kort ögonblick...

Vätternstrand i bibelbältet - veckans utmaning

Anna tyckte att jag skulle få ännu en utmaning den här veckan och gav mig början till en text. Då jag inte riktigt lyckas skriva den här veckan, så har jag trots allt lyckats med konststycket att få ihop den här lilla texten...


Vätternstrand i bibelbältet

På det fyrastjärniga hotellbadrummet Vätternstrand i bibelbältet, i det skoningslösa lysrörsljuset,
kom beslutet om slutet för dig och mig. Som ett slag i ansiktet hade hon kallt berättat att hon hade
träffat en annan. Någon som inte var jag. Någon som var så mycket bättre och så mycket
snyggare. Jag stirrade på en fläck på väggen bakom henne och var stum av häpnad. Jag såg hur
hennes mun rörde sig men jag hörde inget ljud.  Mitt, eller vårt gemensamma, liv passerade förbi
likt ett x2000 på en raksträcka.

Trots det fulla, i dubbel bemärkelse, dansgolvet möttes våra ögon till ljudet av Rednex's Cotton
Eye Joe. På varsin sida drogs vi till varandra som två magneter. Våra händer möttes och vi
släppte aldrig taget. Jag mindes hennes ögon som en djup, medelhavsblå glitterbrunn som jag
dagligen drunknade i. Hennes hud var lika len som ett rosenblad och lika mjuk som kattungepäls. 
På morgonen därpå då de vaknat tätt ihop. Hud mot hud. Hur de aldrig velat släppa taget om
varandra. De hade ätit frukost i sängen, duschat ihop och haft makalöst sex. De hade älskat med
varandra tills de båda utmattat suckat varandras namn medan de föll i varandras armar. Deras
läppar hade passat likt pusselbitar som funnit varandra i mörkret.

Där stod hon. Lika vacker som den dagen deras ögon hade mötts för första gången. Hon
berättade att hon inte längre kände samma kärlek som då. Alla känslor hade övergått i något annat. Hon såg henne i ögonen. Mina var fyllda till bredden av salta tårar från ett krossat hjärta. Hennes var svarta, kalla och arga. Hon kände på korset hon hade runt halsen.

Det var då jag insåg vem hon hade träffat..