It might be too much..

I have been coming out so many times that I've lost count, and I do not think that one should have to come out. I am 32 and I'm still getting to know myself. I'm still figuring out who I am.That's the beauty of meeting new people and getting new insights. Some things just takes time to settle and now, when I finally realized that I'm probably poly amorous  I lack the ability to handle it. No, that's not entirely true. I have no problem to handle it, it's the norms around me and the norms I've had imprinted in my head since the day I was born. I might be poly amorous but my mind is still thinking monogamous. And it doesn't help my cause. It's just making me more confused. Or just fucked up. Maybe I can compare it to gay people who don't want people to know and they act straight. I am poly and I like the theory about poly but my mind is mono-acting.

Seven years ago I figured out that I was monogamous. Seven years ago. That's a long time. Why did I suddenly start to change? The last couple of month, or maybe even six month ago this has been an issue of mine. Haven't really talk about it with anyone, haven't really dealt with it on m own. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's not. I don't know. Maybe I'll just do what I usually do. Go with the flow. It has work for 32 years, so why not now?

I really don't know if I should write about this, maybe it's to early, since I haven't quite figured it out on my own. But maybe this is the way. But this thing is a mountain I have to climb, that I have to beat. And I start now.


There is so much more about me, that I just realized, and it's really new to me, and I'm kind of afraid to even google about it. Cause it might start something I'm really not ready for. Or maybe I'll just figure out another side of myself. But I think I'll just leave it at this point, for you to be curious and for me to be mysterious.

Speaking of mysterious, I've told you about my secret? That thing that not to many people knows about. I'm kind of dealing with that too. I don't want it to be a secret, but I don't want to tell people about it either. If they don't need to know. But it's troubling me that I have to keep it a secret because it's not a secret. But when I tell people, I tend to be nothing else than that. And I am so much more. That thing is just something that made me who I am, or a part of who I am. Oh, I don't know.

This is why I always should have a schedule that is full! No time to think, because this is where I end up when I have time to think and feel. I write and I reveal too much of myself and my thoughts. Good thing I only write about myself and not others ^^
But I'm gonna stop now. This time that is. I might be back, if I don't stop myself. Like getting drunk or something